Sung Toast/Roast – to Kina Mallard

Mamas Don’t Let your Babies Grow Up to be Kinas

-to the Willie & Waylen / Ed Bruce tune

Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Kinas,
Don’t let ‘em run meetings or searches too much,
Let ‘em be milkmaids and barmaids and such.
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Kinas,
They’ll never set still, no they always will roam,
Even from somewhere they love.

v1.
Kinas are easy to love but they’re harder to keep,
They’re sought for their skill at administering cattle and sheep,
They polish their titles and cinch up their Bibles
     and round their department herds in,
But when the weather turns chill and the dollars blow south,
Kinas are gone with the wind.

chorus
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Kinas,
Don’t let ‘em be leaders like Golda Meir,
Let ‘em be scholars like Brittany Spears .
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Kinas,
They’ll never set still, no they always will roam,
Even from somewhere they love.

v2.
Kinas like Tennessee waltzes and Kentucky moonshine,
Mint juleps and tulips and cowlicks and Deputy Dawg;
Them that work with her can’t figure if she’s a
     Saint Joan or an Eva Peron,
‘Cause on one hand she cut faculty workshop by a day,
On the other she still makes you go.

chorus 2
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Kinas,
Don’t let ‘em bark orders and talk back to Jud,
Let ‘em be shy and compliant as mud.
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Kinas,
They’ll never set still, no they always will roam,
Even from somewhere they love.

v3.
Kinas are almost as able as Ladybird Johnson,
Kinas are nearly as knowing as Atticus Finch;
But under that southern demeanor resides a
     tactician like Robert E. Lee,
And when she sidles up to you with a shucks and a smile,
You get committeed again.

key change—half step

v4.
Kinas are precious to find but they’re painful to lose,
There’s none better suited for telling the falses from trues;
And maybe you’ll say you won’t miss her and maybe
     you’ll practice forgetting her name;
But whenever someone gets their britches in a bunch about the
     budgets of Irv Levy—
Kina will be here that way.

final chorus
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Kinas,
Don’t let ‘em run meetings or searches too much,
Let ‘em be ranch hands and farm hands and such.
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be Kinas,
They’ll never set still, no they always will roam—
Roam from a place where she’s loved.

-sung by The Vocal Band at the completion of Kina‘s five-year tenure as Gordon’s associate provost. Kina was recently appointed president of Reinhart University. Congratulations. No barmaid, she.
Vocal band members are self, Oliver, Norm, Steve and, on the electric ivories, Graeme.

Corrupted Lyrics – To All The Grads I’ve Flunked Before

-after Willie Nelson & Julio Iglesias

Willie / N. Jones:
To all the grads I’ve flunked before
Who traveled in and out my door
I’m glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the grads I’ve flunked before

Julio / M. Stevick:
To all the grads I once assessed
And may I say I’ve failed the best
So much they didn’t know
Their GPAs were low
Yes, all the grads I’ve flunked before

-chorus-
The Gordon grads are always failing
Though they begged me for an A
Gordon grads continue failing
The failing grade is going to stay

-Willie/Jones:
To all the grads who skipped my class
Then said they simply had to pass
To them my ears were deaf
I handed them an F
To all the grads I’ve flunked before

-Julio/Stevick:
To all the grads who loved to cheat
Or begged me for an incomplete
Although they weren’t smart
They live within my heart
Oh, all the grads I’ve flunked before

-chorus-
The Gordon grads are always failing
Though they begged me for an A
Gordon grads continue failing
The failing grade is going to stay

BOTH: To all the grads we’ve flunked before
Willie/Jones: The freshman and the sophomore
BOTH: We marked their answers wrong
And dedicate this song
To all the grads we’ve flunked before

BOTH: To all the grads we’ve flunked before
Julio/Stevick: Poor junior and the sen-i-or
BOTH: We know them all by heart
We’ll always be a part
Of all the grads we’ve flunked
Before

-sung in the manner of Willie and Julio at the Nodrog or the Black & Blue Review, with Graeme Bird on piano. Pic from The Nodrog.